STBX may want to reconcile hollygolightly: Hi...need some advice please....after two months of no contact and after he filed for divorce, we are now talking again. We have recently talked about our own parts in the breakdown of the relationship - things we should have been saying all along.
Now that we are talking, he has agreed to not only go to individual counseling for some of his issues, but to marriage counseling as well.
The thing is, trust was never an issue with us - I KNEW he would never cheat on me and he knew the same of me. However, now that we're talking again, he told me he has developed a "friendship" with a female coworker. Says it started AFTER he moved out. Says it has not been physical. They went to eat twice and talked, but he thought he should tell me. She is engaged, but her fiance is in Iraq. When we were living together, he never gave me reason to believe he was doing anything wrong. I've turned the relationship over and over in my head TRYING to find a clue that he cheated, but I find nothing. He was always where he said, always home when he was supposed to be, etc.
I just feel like because of his newfound "friendship" I have developed feelings of distrust. I WANT to believe nothing happened, but I'm afraid I will always wonder. If we do manage to reconcile, will I always question every move he makes? If he's late from work, will I always wonder what he's been up to? I'm trying to understand his perspective. In his mind, he was doing nothing wrong. Says it's a friendship equal to a guy friend. But, isn't that how many relationships get started? "Friends" go out to eat, talk about how horrible their partner is, one thing leads to another, blah-blah-blah.
I asked him how he would handle her if he and I do get back together. He said he would tell her "He's working things out with his wife and this [their friendship"> complicates things." He said he would no longer see or talk to her again.
I guess what I'm asking from you guys, is for some opinions/stories of others who may have worked through something like this. Also any thoughts on whether or not I'm just being naive. Is it worth it to forgive a possible indiscretion and move on if both partners are now willing to work on building a healthy relationship? Thanks...
Re:STBX may want to reconcile teacherwriterguy: Seems to me that the feelings of distrust about this female friend maybe are coming out of general feelings of unease and distrust about how reconciling would go?
If he was the intiater of the divorce, that alone is violation of trust at the time. You trust him to remain in the marriage, and he doesn't. Now, contemplating him coming back or working together in counseling, you've got to get that trust back - and this female friend becomes a flashpoint for that.
I will say that - though you can't hear tone through a msg post - the answer of him being willing to set the friendship aside in order to pursue reconciliation with you is the right one. There doesn't sound like there was any hemming and hawing - just the right answer without manipulation.
And he hasn't tried to hide the friendship? He was up front and honest about it? So that's a good sign too.
I guess I'd say maybe just take a step back and look at your feelings about this female friend as a worry about the reconciliation rather than a worry about this woman in particular?
twg
