the apartment inebr: One of the excuses my h gives me about not filing for divorce and not leaving is that he doesn't want to leave the apartment. He says if he was in MY situation he'd pack up and leave. I told him a while back that I thought that since he was the one wanting out, that I felt he should be the one to leave. He disagrees. The apartment is in his name and I guess he really loves it.
Then, a few days ago he told me that he didn't want to cause any problems and that he'd be the one to leave.
Last night he told me again that he doesn't want to leave the apartment.
What do you think? On one hand, he has a nice job and makes plenty of money and finding a new place for him, at least monatarily, would be easy. For me, being a grad student, it would mean having to apply for a loan or else asking him to give me money for the deposit and first month's rent. Which would make me feel bad and he'd then feel all great about himself for being so "helpful" to me for giving me money...
I don't want to leave the apartment either. I'm not good at standing up in this situation and I feel like I'm getting taken for a ride (because I REALLY think that he should be the one to get the heck out). I also feel like this apartment is what really matters to him most of all. Nobody likes to have to leave their home but it just seems so messed up to make me be the one to leave.
Re: the apartment JASPER: Dont be afraid to stand up on your own if the apartment is what matters to him let him have it.Since you said it was his to began with thats why he doesn't want to leave it.Do whatever you have to do to get the money to movewhere were you living before you moved in with him?I know you may not like the replies I may leave for you but I'm only telling you what I think how I would handle the situation.Why would you want to stay some where you are not wanted or where you are not treated the way you deserve to be.I know it is hard but please dont make this situation any harder on yourself than you already have.I dont understand your reasons for wanting stay maybe if I knew why staying in the apartment means so much to you I could sympathize,but I think your staying because your hoping one morning he'll wake up and changed his mind.Please dont torture yourself I believe he would be more inclined to have a change of heart if he gets to see what it is like without you for awhile whos to say maybe he'll miss you and beg you to come back afterall they say absence makes the heart grow founder.I do hope you find the happiness you deserve but more so I hope you find the strength to even start searching for it.God bless you and be strong it time to stand on your feet now you can do it I have faith in you now have a little in yourself!
Re: the apartment achingallover: I totally understand your position. I am in the process of leaving my house to move into an apt and I too am a grad student. My stbx has told me if I go (and as quickly as possible), then he will give me enough alimony so I won't have to work the next few years of school. It's so painful. I pushed him to get this house. We got this house based upon my criteria. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do in this sitaution. Look inside yourself and try to see, and I know it's hard in your state of shock and pain, just why you are holding onto this place. I second Jasper in that if you are holding onto it because you are holding onto him then you might want to consider going. Someone told me on this site that by holding onto him tighter you are pusing him away - and I totally believe that is true. Also, make sure you stay with yourself now. If he wants you to move out, he can pay for it! He can put security deposit and first and last month's rent down. He's getting what he wants - you out! There is absoutley no reason for you to feel guilty for his participation in this. He needs to be financially responsible in this and part of his responbility is making this transition happen financially with you. I feel your pain. I really do. We are here, though, listening. Stay strong and true to yourself in all this massive chaos.
Re: the apartment atd74: inebr,
I too agree that you should leave - let him have his damn apartment. But, I disagree that you should make him pay for your first months rent and downpayment only because you should get it from ANYONE else BUT him if you have to. I know you may want to make him "pay" because this is his doing but why would you want anything else from this man??? So that he can throw that in your face on top of everything else?
