Re:HD's Story in several posts (it's long.) HDSquirrel: You know...I think everyone here really just wants to be loved. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it's true. We all just want to feel safe and feel loved, and feel like we MATTER. And when push comes to shove, we'll just do what it takes to get there.
It reminds me of the chorus to a song by Sierra:
I've got no stone to throw...No axe to grind.
I look at Maggie's life (or anyone's here), and I see mine.
I see somebody searchin' for somethin'...A little love and understanding...
And the longer I know the Lord, The more I know...
I've got no stone to throw.
Re:HD's Story in several posts (it's long.) gypsy: HD,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. At times, I felt like I was reading my own story...my stbx is very similar to yours, in that he only thought of himself, and sometimes others but not me. I would get jealous of my dogs even because he treated them so much better than me! He had (has?) no abillity to empathize and would really only live for himself - everyone always came in second and I came in third. The sex story is way different than yours though, I got rejection. After a while he would even reject my advances, and I found out that he actually was doing the internet porn thing 3-4 sometimes 5 times a week...it all was so bad for me emotionally, and the loss of self-esteem was impressive. The more he rejected me the needier I became - what a destructive cycle.
Anyway, needless to say, I see myself in you and I am glad to find that we are not alone in this world oe even the only ones going through this. Thank you for sharing such an honest and painful story.
Re:HD's Story in several posts (it's long.) HDSquirrel: Point taken, Frid, and I never meant to imply that I was right or justified in having the affairs. What I did was what I needed to do emotionally to get through what was happening at home.
It's so easy for outsiders to look at a battered woman, for example, and just ask why she doesn't just leave. To the battered woman, things are never that simple, and there is a ton of truly debilitating fear involved. While I was never hit during my marriage, my psyche took a ton of abuse. I suspect that just as you don't understand all the ins and outs of my situation, there will be others that do.
I did the best I could do at the time...certainly not the best you might have done, but for me at that time, it was the best I felt I could do. When I could do differently, I did.
Thanks for your comments.
Re:HD's Story in several posts (it's long.) Shanna: You should go back and read Frid's posts....I think he relates to your story more than you know...
Re:HD's Story in several posts (it's long.) Ladybug: Hey HD,
Wow, you are very brave to tell your story so candidly. My XH had his little perversions too. It's kind of scary how he ... I don't know...almost brain washed me. Started very small and then more and more and more. His was, he liked seeing me with other people. Never intercourse, with a man anyway, but just about anything else. I remember telling him about a guy making a pass at me and him telling me..You shoulda let him kiss ya. :o After hearing him harping on that subject for a while, I did finally let a guy, who made a pass at me, kiss me. Then my hubby's comment was ...Well I better not quote it but it had to do with letting him perform oral sex on me. Crouse he had to be in control of the situation. I couldn't just go out and kiss anyone I thought was hot. It was weird, but he had me thinking it was normal. The kissing anyway...I never went so far as to take his other suggestion. So, I can kinda relate.
One thing though. You said you had a few affairs and you seem to feel you were pretty much driven to that point. I can relate to and emphasize with your situation, but it doesn't seem like the affairs really helped anything. In many ways they made it worse. True help didn't come till you found a true friend who wasn't interested in anything sexual, but was just interested in helping you. (A rare and beautiful find)
The affairs may have made you feel better about yourself, but probably only for a little while. I don't think they were really what you needed and even under circumstance as bad as the ones you were in, I still don't think an affair is the right choice. However, to err is human and to forgive is divine. (BTW, that's a lot easier to say to you than my XH)
I don't want to minimize anything you've been though and I kinda feel like I am with this next statement, so please don't take it that way, but It seems that most everyone who has an affair finds a way to justify it, because of their circumstances. I don't mean to compare what you went through to my XH justifying his affair because I didn't keep the house clean enough or gained weight or any of the nit picky things he said, but neither do I agree that if things are really really bad, then an affairs ok. And I'm not saying that you said that or that you even feel that way. Believe me I am not attacking you or anyone else. I think you're a very brave person who has overcome a lot. I'm just putting in my two cents.
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