Throwing it all away for what? sjarhead76: We had a very good marriage. I say had because right now, it seems so long ago. We are in a place right now, if you asked me 2 months ago, I would say we would have never visited and I would tell you that all cheaters should go straight to hell. In many ways I still feel that way even though I am now one of those sinners, a statistic, I cheated on the only woman I ever truly loved. What makes this so hard is that I know she loved me; she is a great mommy and good wife. We all have our problems, it’s called marriage, but there is no excuse for doing what I did. The destruction that I caused to our family is devastating. You can ask me, well if you loved her why did you stray? I cannot answer that question because I just don’t know. It has been eleven days since I told my wife that I slept with another woman. The pain I feel inside is primarily because I see what I have done to my wife and what it will do to my children. I can not grasp what I have done to her. If I could take it back I would in a heartbeat, I would walk to the ends of the earth for her and just don’t know what to do; I want to take her pain away. If I could take the heart from my chest I would.
I am not looking for sympathy, I thought by writing this it would help, I don’t know. Maybe there are people out there who survived this life changing action because right now the future does not look bright for any of us. The threats of divorce, the anger, the betrayal, I know it is all normal; however it doesn’t make it any easier. I know this sounds contradictive now, but I love my wife, and I am scared to death of losing her. And I know it is a real possibility right now. Again, I have no idea why I didn’t think of any of this before, and I know I deserve what ever happens.
We are currently still living at home and have three children ages 5 through 11. They are such great kids and they can adjust to anything. But I don’t want them too and have very little say right now in any of it. After all the emotions we know the children are our priority. To try and give them the best life we can whether we are together or not. My wife is still grasping on to her emotions and trying to see if she can ever forgive me and trust me again. Quite honestly, I can understand if she cannot. I have taken her heart and broken it. It all scares me to death. I tuck my kids in and think to myself this could be the last time I kiss them goodnight. The thought not seeing them everyday is ripping me apart.
The most likely scenario right now, and we have gone over many, is for her to finish her degree which happens in May, move away with the children while finding a job and I will find an apartment or such. She bounces back and forth on whether to work it out or to cut her losses and move on. Quite frankly how can I blame her? We had our problems before, I mean we are both going to school full time, very little time together, three kids, two dogs, simply a very busy life. But it’s still no excuse. All I can do is answer her questions to the best of my knowledge and see what she wants to do. I know I hurt her worse than she has ever been hurt before, but I am also dying inside for what I have done to her. I don’t know what I am looking for on this site, maybe just to vent, I don’t know. I sure as heck don’t feel any better. All I want is for my wife to be truly happy. How can I do this now after causing so much pain?
/scott
Re:Throwing it all away for what? riversandlakes: Knowing a mistake and not fixing it is the greatest mistake of all - Chinese proverb
The onus is on you to fight for the marriage. Have you done anything else besides tucking in the kids? Win her back, if you truly meant what you said of loving her so much.
"Let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone."
"Go, and sin no more."
Re:Throwing it all away for what? Shanna: If she stays or goes is totally up to her. I have heard of people making it thru and still being together many years later after someone cheated, but I know of many who haven't. If she gives you anothe rchance PLEASE don't take that chance for granted or think it is bc she is weak. Don't do it to her again. IF she stays it will be bc she is strong. If she leaves that is a strength, too, leaving is scary. Staying hurts....two bad choices for her to choose between.
My husband cheated and sounded just like you and he felt so bad and blah blah blah ...he could have wrote what you wrote. I tried to stay and he cheated again and tried to take advantage of my willingness to work thru it. He thought bc I stayed after the first betrayal that I would let him continue with that behavior. I was gone less than three days later with the kids.
Best wishes to your wife. If you decide you dont' like Ojar....tell your wife about us....she probably needs this place more than you know right now.
Re:Throwing it all away for what? HDSquirrel: It's gonna be tough, Scott. Just keep trying to find a way through it. Just wanted to give you some encouragement before you're flamed by those on the other side.
I wish there was a way to undo things in life, but there isn't, and once done, we need to find a way to move forward.
I've a feeling you're going to get hammered by folks pretty soon. :( Just take it, and learn from it what you can.
Re:Throwing it all away for what? sjarhead76: Thank you for your replies. Sully you are correct, she is a strong woman either way. I just hope she realizes how strong she really is. I will support her wholeheartedly in whatever decision is made. I do love her and the pain I have seen her in these 2 some odd weeks has devastated me. I never realized befor ehow much I love her. Through all this pain I see a life in her eyes that I want to be a part of. And I realize the pain I feel is no comparison to what she is now going through. I pray there is a God and he helps her in her struggle, because that is what it is.
One of the problems is that she does not have many friends in the area, and she does not want to confide in the family fro obvious reasons. Shame, guilt, and in the back of her mind I believe she knows that once she tells the family, the chances of us working things out in the long run diminish even further.
One of the questions I have for anyone that would take the time to read this, is, in your opinion what would our best course of action be if we wanted to repair the damage I have caused? One scenario is selling the house and taking a form of separation for a while. She and the kids would move into another home, I would live elsewhere. The logic behind it is the break may be good. She has always wanted to be totally independent and with this, she wants her own stability for the children’s sake in case things do not work out. She graduates in May, and will look for employment. Her salary and the money I would give would be enough for a good life for her and the kids. The thinking is that we will work on the relationship again while we are separated. See if we could find the magic we once had and she can find out if I am really worth the investment of trying it again. We would be one to two hours apart geographically; however I would be available anytime for her and the children. This is just one scenario and was wondering what thought you all had.
To answer one of the other replies, my children and I have a wonderful relationship. I have always been a “hands on” father meaning that I have done everything from changing the dirty diapers to cleaning up the throw-up after a long day at grandmas and pop-pop’s. My children are the air I breathe, and without them I do not know if I would be the same man I thought I was. I don’t know how else to explain it.
I want to thank you all again for your replies.
/scott
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