My situation Damaged Goods: I met my husband when I was about 16. After spending a lot of time talking on the phone we decided to meet. Although I wasn't physically attracted to my husband he was really nice, safe and took care of me. I believe I led him to think I was more into him than I really was. I was trying to escape a bad situation at home and he was trying to gain permanent residency in Canada. He was living in the country illegally. He starting asking me to marry him just months into us knowing each other. He said he loved me, which I believe, however for us to be happy together I needed to do that one thing for him. He said he'd had a dream and felt that God put him here in Canada so that we could be together. I told him I'd do it for him (get married) to help him out. We secretly got married (there was no way my parents would have said yes). His parents already knew that I was secretly getting married to him, but they didn't discourage it, I think because they knew it was going to help their son. His mother was living in his country of origin and his dad was here living without permant residency as well. Looking back on the situation I can see how I must've looked like such a dummy. I feel used and angry.
Suddenly my husband was making all these demands of me. He expected that I would be a good housekeeper, not want to go out, or shop or spend money. I was like ??? confused. I didn't want to have any part of it and I treated him really badly. I didn't want to be married and was in denial. I put him through hell. I lied, cheated, went out and did what I wanted to do.
Fast forward a few years to when I'm having child #2, I've settled down and resigned myself to the whole married with kids thing. Child #3 came just a short 15 months after the second one. Over the last 4 years I've been a stay at home mom. Our relationship has improved some mainly due to the fact that I've resigned myself to the fact that this is my life now. I take some of how he treats me as a punishment for my behaviour in the early days. I don't work,therefore have no money, don't have my drivers license and am basically at his mercy. When money is tight and he is stressed out, he takes it out on me verbally. I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse, but he definitely lets me have it. He also uses the past as ammunition against me from When I used to go out to clubs and questionable behaviour etc.
Right now I'm feeling empty and numb and I feel like I'm spiralling downward. I can't sleep at night, my tummy is in knots (diarreah -sorry) and I'm just so angry with myself for being so stupid. I feel like I need to do something. At the same time, I have 3 beautiful children. I get so mad at myself being putting myslf in this position: no money, no way to get around unless he takes me, no freedom. On the other hand I have read the divorce really screws up children and I don't want that for my kids.
Sometimes I feel like this is a case of married too young, but there are so many other factors here to consider. The fact that we've been married for almost 10 years. The fact that we have 3 children. The fact that although he has his moments I believe he loves me. He is not happy with our marriage because I show him no affection and we don't have sex more than 1 a month or even less. Basically we have sex, when and if I get in the mood, which is rare. I am cold towards him. When we are not fighting we act like buddies, not lovers. Even when we are on the best of terms, there is no way I could ever kiss him. We have never french kissed. We never kiss even during sex. He is really upset and appalled by that. I just can't do it! I have issues of major resentment towards him, but I have to realize that while I was only 18, he was only 20 when we got married. We were both so young.
If I were to examine myself deep deep down I would have to say that I am not romantically in love with my husband. I love him for who he is, and for the good times that we did have and as the father of my children. But I can't say that there ever, ever, ever, was a time when I was head over heels for him. I've read in books and on websites that head over heels love doens't last and doesn't matter...but I can't help feeling that I deserve to feel like that about someone and truth be told, my husband deserves to have someone feel like that about him. I just don't know where or how to summon up those feelings. Believe me I've tried. I have read all there is to read about learning how to fall in love with the person you're with. I have prayed and asked God. I feel as though maybe I'm being punished...I can't see myself living like this forever. It's just a matter of time...
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this was so long.
Re:My situation AmyMarie1972: Hi,
I would suggest that you talk to your husband. I know that it is not going to be an easy thing to do but you can't go on the way that you are. Why can't you learn how to drive? Take up a hobby, something to get you out of the house.
But if you want to save your marriage then you really do need to talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling.
Good luck
Re:My situation HDSquirrel: (Un)Damaged Goods,
What's your gut telling you? Is there a way to save this? Do you want to stay?
While yes, divorce can play havok with the kids' minds, hopefully you'll be able to pull things together and be stronger for them in the end. Perhaps you and he would both find people better suited to you if you made the break. (Which in turn will help to show the kids that there are alternatives out there.)
Regardless of which road you decide to travel, you do deserve better than you're getting at the moment, as does he (please don't read that as being hurtful toward you, I just mean that if you're not happy with him, he ought to be with someone who IS happy with him, you know?)
Step outside yourself for a sec and look in on your life. Want to get out? Want to stay but make it better? Waiting around for something to happen will keep you waiting forever...either way, you're going to need to do something to get the ball rolling.
I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us updated!
