Re:Where do I go from here?.... HDSquirrel: Jack,
It sounds to me like you're looking for something or someone that will make you happy. I suggest to you that with that intent in mind (even subconsciously), you're never going to find something that will fill that wish.
Stop for a minute and think about yourself. If kids were not in the picture, and you didn't have a job to worry about, and all the bills would be paid...what would you want to do? Just for you, forget everyone else in the world for a minute...what would YOU want to do? Then find a way to do it. Rediscover the you you used to be before adult life happened, and figure out a way to reconnect to it. Get back to living the way that you WANT to live, not the way you think society or others expect you to live, and then you will find the happiness you seek.
I might sound like a monk or something by saying that, so let me give a personal example...when I was in high school, I loved being involved in drama. I took the lead in plays and was president of the drama club. I majored in theatre in college for awhile. Then I met my ex, and we had the kids and all of the stuff I loved to do got pushed aside. When I finally started taking my life back, I got involved with some community theater type stuff, and got the kids involved as well (as much as they wanted to be involved that is), and it fed my need to get back to being me again. Now more than a year has passed and I'm thinking I'll take a break from the theatre stuff for this season and will work on other things. It doesn't have to be a permanent change for you...just take some time for you and go do something you love to do. The happy times will find their own way back. I promise. :)
Re:Where do I go from here?.... Dino: Hey Jack, I'm not with someone right now, but I have been with a woman since my breakup. It was fun, and made me feel better about myself, but it hasn't helped me get closure. Although I have stopped trying to find a woman since. Sex has become pretty unimportant to me right now. I know....gotta be something wrong with me. I guess I just don't care about it at the moment. Still not really over my ex.
I say go out, have fun and don't feel bad about sleeping with a woman if it happens.
Re:Where do I go from here?.... Dunno: Amy by the way always has good advice :) I really don't know HOW to respond, but by only giving my opinion. In all our years of marriage I never cheated, and the thought of being intimate wiht any one other than him, well just doesn't strike me at the moment, even knowing he is with her and had been even during our marriage. I too seek closure, I want to end this emptiness within me, but I doubt sex would be the answer, not for me, and most certainly not for the partner. And being fair? No, not at all. You are right two wrongs don't make a right, and three? Well, even worse. To be with someone to try and find closure, well, sure isn't fair to them huh? If you are up to it, sure go out, have fun, but when it comes time for more, you will KNOW, you will be READY. Sex can be like any other drug, it may ease your feelings for a little while, but the memories, thoughts, hurt, it all comes back. Is my opinion is all. And you can spend alot of times with your children, I am sure they love you for it :) Good luck and know you will find the right one when you aren't expecting too, so expect the unexpected maybe?
Re:Where do I go from here?.... lemondrop: Hey Cadillacjack,
Amy nailed it. :)
I just wanted to say that if you hook up with someone without the emotional connection, it'll probably just hurt you even more (guilt, frustration, etc.). Well, after the initial buzz of "OMG I'm having sex again" sensation wears off, then those feelings will probably kick in... lol...
Go have some fun tomorrow and see what happens. I'm in the same boat as you (doing all the "right" things to get me back to being me but something is still a little off... don't know if it'll ever be right again but I guess we both just have to wait and see).
Have fun (not sex),
Lemondrop
P.S. Unless you feel absolutely compelled to do it ;), in which case you have my blessing - you've been through enough already and should do whatever makes you happy - smile... ;D
Re:Where do I go from here?.... Sittingbear: Hi Cad
I find complete closure to be difficult, when there are children involved. The children are the bridge of love that existed between you and your partner. Remember these are but my opinions, from experience and my heart expressions. Closure is so final, and I feel it isn't what I would want with the mother of my children. I now seek a new level of connection with her, which still requires alot of changes, adaptions and newer responsibilities. A friendship would be my closure with the woman whom was safe to carry my heart, and the mother of my wonderful children.
Rebuilding dreams with another is quite the challenge. It is like you have a dream built, then a tornado comes by and scoops it away. Shock and Denial strike like thunder blades. The Expression of Anger and Resentment follow suit. Depression and making deals with the Creator, even the counsellors seems worn out, then the acceptance is renewed. The stage of wondering and wandering occurs.The sex is one of the first to visit a healing individual of Grief. Such is the primitive pull all of us humans have. For myself, I turned the energies of sex to a new direction and sought out new creative avenues. One is to seek out my sabatoge patterns, so I may not repeat them in a future. I have sought out and still seek out issues of my childhood and find new healthier ways to be. I understand my sexual nature better and will continue to learn about myself. In the years since my divorce, I am not the same man I was then. I am remade, and have taken my dreams to the manisfestation level. Something that was quite distracted, and impossible to attain with my once apon love. I lived for her then and now years later I am with another woman, as she is with her newest partner. We both decided to live as vigourously each day. Thus always learning something about ourselves, which gaurentees to each, that we are alive and still care for each other deeply, no matter where our paths may lead. fore whom benefits the most? She or I, I beleive it is our child, whom will understand that closure is not about resentments, hurt and complete finale (death). Closure is about making the best of each obstacle, test, or puzzle, and parting with our sense of healthy esteem and friendship.
Having little or no desire is not uncommon for us males, while in the grieving process. It is quite a normal stage and development to healing and returning to a good health. Yet be ready for the one whom will make your jaw drop to the floor and awaken the fires of passion and dreams. Most healthy men, whom have made the adjustment to a newer life change, will magnetize a healthy woman. Fore likes attract likes, so will you magnetize a partner of your health, if not more so.
sittingbear
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