Ive met the right girl in the wrong situation justdontknow: Please can anyone help me. I have a real problem with the fact that my girlfriend has a child from a previous and what was a casual relationship. The child was completely unplanned, a complete accident. Dont get me wrong, I love my girlfriend and her 2 year old child, who is in effect will be my step daughter one day if we marry. The issues i have is:
I have been waiting all my life to meet 'the one' and have a family (we both feel we have met 'the one' with eachother) but i never expected her to have some other guys child before me. It hurts me so much that I waited till the right person came along, and she didnt. I feel like the dream i had since childhood about meeting the girl for me and having a family has been shattered. I want my own family, not some other guys.
If we marry, I have to put up with the birth fathers influence on 'my family' for ever.
If I want to take my 'future family' overseas to live for a while, i cant because the birth father will not allow his daughter (my step daughter) to go. This makes me so angry as he never ever pays support, has drug issues, does not always sees his child, and lives in different countries as he pleases. Why should someone like that affect my future with what i want to do in my life with my family!
Maybe im just angry at my girlfriend for having a child with a loser in the first place.
Maybe i should never of got involved with someone with a child, even though my girlfriend is so right for me, but her situation is so wrong for me. Should i just leave ?
Re:Ive met the right girl in the wrong situation isotope: Yeah, that is a crap situation. But loves know no boundaries, and you fell in love with her knowing that she had a child. You have to make peace with this or else it will damage your relationship. We all make mistakes, not that a little girl is a mistake. But you have to accept it.
Does the father have any contact with the little girl ? And does your girlfriend know that you feel so strongly about this ?
Good luck man.
Re:Ive met the right girl in the wrong situation justdontknow: Yes i did fall in love with her knowing she had a child. The father went to live overseas one month before I met my girlfriend. He never gave a shit about his daughter since she was born and later left the country telling everyone he is going for ever. (My girlfriend had left him 1 year previous to me meeting her) As soon as he found out I was on the scene he flew back into the country within two months and started causing trouble. He now has access to the 2 year old every second weekend. At first he use to pick up the child from our house. When i was not at home he told my girlfriend (his ex) that the 2 year old said I "hit mummy" and other crap. Now my girlfriend has no contact what ever with him and her parents are now the point of contact for him. (They severly dislike him as well, but realise he has rights as the birth father - unfortunatley in this case)
My girlfriend does know how I feel, but not as strongly as i have said in these messages. She tells me that I have to work through it as whats done is done, and nothing can change the fact that she had a child with him, even though she knew at the time she fell pregnant she was never going to be with him in the future, and could not have an abortion. (She had an abortion when she was 19 and could not face another one when she fell pregnant this time) She does wish he was not the father, but nothing can change that.
Re:Ive met the right girl in the wrong situation betteroffalso: I sympathize with your situation, however it sounds like you are very upset about this. You kept saying that you have always known what was the perfect girl for you and she had no kids, then is it possible, this is not the right girl for you? If you were sure of what you wanted, and this isnt it, then it should be clear. I am not condoning breaking up a relationship at all, it just sounds as if you know what you want but cannot see it. Maybe if you re-read your first post objectively it might be more clear.
I wish you well,
BOA
Re:Ive met the right girl in the wrong situation JimB: My sister is in the exact same situation with her husband. They've now been married for two years, and his daughter from a previous 9-year relationship is three. The ex gf has the daughter every other weekend, I believe. "Flake" would be a generous term for her. So this is a scenario I've seen before.
Two thoughts:
1. Your gf is right - you can't change the past. She has a child, he is the father, and that gives him the right to be a part of the child's life, whether you like it or not. If you can't reconcile yourself with this idea, she's not the right girl for you.
2. Your anger about this situation is a "you" issue, not an "us" issue. Unless there are trust issues revolving around this between you and your gf, it doesn't have anything to do with the relationship - you're not angry with your gf or the child. Something about this situation makes you angry on a personal level. Before you abandon the relationship, you might consider exploring this anger on your own and trying to figure out where exactly it comes from.
Right girl + wrong situation = wrong girl. Spend some time mulling it over - this is a tough one, and only you are able to decide whether you can put up with this situation over the long haul.
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