separating inebr: Last night we decided (I decided) that it would be best if he were to go and stay at a friend’s house who is out of town. Maybe I just finally “broke” last night, maybe I finally woke up, part of me feels I am doing the right thing. I don’t know what else to do. I told him I thought he should leave.
I feel scared to go to the apartment tonight after work.
JimB, you are partially right about what you said on my other post about going crazy because of the fact that I’m leaving it all up to him to make a decision to do something and he’s just not doing it. But I also feel like I’m going crazy because he KNOWS that I am trying to do everything I can to make it better and therefore (at least it feels like it) he sabotages my efforts at every turn. It feels like he is 100% decided that this is not going to work out, but yet somehow relishes in rejecting me day after day. I feel like a fool a lot of the times. Since Oct. or Nov. he has been telling me he made a mistake by getting married. It’s not what he wants and he’s not happy. I have to trust that. Maybe he’ll change his mind but I don’t think anything is going to change by us being together. And he probably isn’t intentionally trying to reject me or hurt me and probably doesn’t relish at all in the situation. But I feel the tension even when I try to talk about the day or the news. Anyone could see, I am TRYING to engage him and he is shutting me out.
Maybe he hasn’t decided what he wants completely, but I feel like the current situation of day after day of silence and tension is destroying me and any remaining possibility of us liking the other.
I see a future with this person still. I just don’t see the current dynamic changing unless we’re apart. But the kicker feels like once we’re apart, we’ll be apart for good. He’ll want to carry on a new kind of relationship where we’re not married, not living together and I don’t know if I can do that. As much as I want him to be in my life, I don’t know if I can have a relationship like that. It seems too much on his terms. And being married seems too much on my terms to him.
Re: separating inebr: Ok, and I have to post again here.
Another thing with me is that I have tried to not engage him, I have tried to give him space. I was in Europe for 9 months holding on to the relationship very much in the face of him telling me he made a mistake and we needed to divorce. I would hear him out but at the same time keep positive in the sense that this was just something he was going through. It was the hardest thing I have done, being that far away from the situation and from him and people here and working through it on my own. I decided then that that was the way he felt and that it possibly could have been newly wed jitters. I decided to wait it out. And the months passed and he didn't change his position really at all. I was holding on to get back here to see what would happen when we were really living in the same place. Still nothing. He is determined, I guess more determined than I am ...
Re: separating achingallover: Man, do I know exactly where you are. I totally feel your pain and fear and frustration. I am currently living with my stbx who is actually, like your husband, staying at a friend's house for the week. He has been in and out of the house for the last 2 weeks, and I can tell you this, when he's gone I"m better. I'm better able to focus on me and my needs. When he comes home there is tension, no one talks to anyone, I"m more emotional - what I need to do for me becomes a lot more hazy becuase he triggers all my emotions. All my wants to get back with him and work this out. But, when he is away from me, I have alot easier time staying with the idea that this person does not want to be with me so what in my right mind would make me want to chase him down. When I am around him he is mean to me. He is callous and non-emotional. He has even cut off contact with our kitties! All of these things are very damaging to me and myslef esteem, as I seem to believe him when he tells me it's all my fault and I am the bad person here. When I'm on my own, I can combat those feelings of guilt and shame much more easily becuase no one is there passing me in silence because they are "mad" at me (which by the way, he is the one divorcing me, I dont' knwo why he's acting so pissed off!). Anyway, I guess my point is, he is going to have all kinds of judgements about you becuase he is a mess himself and the only thing he can hold on to is his anger toward you - that seems to be the one constant he has. You need to make the switch of deciding that you are NOT going to let ANYONE treat you the way he does. I tried to engage my stbx as well, and he has too much anger to deal with me. If there is ANYTHING left between the 2 of you to salvage, you need to get away from each other before it is completely burnt out. Space and time will tell if you all are meant to be together. He may never realize the pain he's caused you - but I have a strong feeling that at some point, maybe a year later, maybe two, that he will feel the pain of this. I've heard that be the truth for all of my divorced friends. However, right now, he cannot engage with you and you need to realize IT'S NOT YOU and YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON and he's the one losing out here! I know what you mean about having the picture of your life together. I had kids, a dog...all that jazz. A simple life really. That sounded good to me. It will take you awhile, as I am still letting that picture go myself, but eventaully you will build a new picture for yourself. It feels very UNFAIR when you have your life all planned out and then he goes and ruins that - but that is what is happening, as terrible as it is, and you can't sacrifice your self-esteem to make that picture happen with this person becuase, unfortuantely right now, it can't. I always hold hope that if this person and I are meant to be together we will be. But perhaps he's not my person for this lifetime but I'm too shocked and confused and hurt to see that. Another factor where time will tell. Hang in there. I know this is probably one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. I know it is for me. Use your support system and use us! WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!
